The Fat Goose that Saved me from the Noose

Baron's Fatted Goose

It was spring and I had decided to travel West to see the countryside. I retrieved my steed from Custom Tool Leather, where he had been fitted with a saddle, and I also picked up my new holster, custom fit to my black powder pistol.

After a few hours ride I was approached by a constable who claimed that I had broken the law. I, being a lawful citizen, surrendered myself for questioning. That was a mistake I would later regret.

After a short trial, at which I was not allowed to plead my case, apparently they thought me too boastful, and long winded, little do they know me! I have many stories of how humble I am in the great adventures I partake in, as well as the ability to recall each and every one in detail, if I were allowed to speak.

The sentence was to be swift, a hanging. I was never too fond of tight things around my neck, which is why I wear my cravat loosely. Never the less, it would be carried out in the morning.

I begged the courts to allow me the decency of a last meal, to which they concurred.

I ordered a meal made from my favorite goose, named Quackers.

They dispatched a guard to retrieve my goose within the matter of a few hours, to their surprize Quackers was the largest goose they had ever laid eyes upon.

It took two chefs and three stoves to prepare Quackers, and when they presented my last meal to me it took five of their sturdiest staff members to carry the meal!

I said grace, and began to consume my beloved goose. It took nearly the entire night of feasting to finish Quackers, to which I must reprimand the cooks for he was quite over done for a goose.

In the morning they proceeded to take me to the gallows, which appeared to be in desperate need of repair.

The guards assured me it had finished the likes of many a men before me over the years, to which I responded, "Sir, there are none of my like!"

Moments later I found myself with the noose around my neck and a small crowd gathered about.

The lever was pulled and I fell with force, however, they did not account on the extra weight I had gorged the night before, and when the rope became taught, the strain of my belly snapped it like thin twine.

With a thud I hit the ground, and the crowds cheered!

They brought me my horse, along with flowers of adoration and fine jewels and gold.

Apparently they hung for sport, and the odds were against the gallows failing to perform.

My upset had bankrupted the corrupt courts and constables, and made all the towns people rich because of my bloated belly.

And my prized goose, whom I will; miss dearly.